Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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