Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Semen is not good for contacts.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
