So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
there's paper in my vomit.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
