Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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