Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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