So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"