The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest