Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
