Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
