Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Randomize
