I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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