what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
