A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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