Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
