I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
