My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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