is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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