getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
