I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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