I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Randomize
