Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Last time i carry you out of a forest
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
