just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
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PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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