Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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