I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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