gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
