Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
