No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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