If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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