I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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