So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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