was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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