You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
