Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
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