I was born with a shot glass in my hand
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Randomize
