Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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