the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
