Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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