She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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