brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
