she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Randomize
