Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
