when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
