this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
