Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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