i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
