my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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