I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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