checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
