FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
