I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize