I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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