I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
