Umm I'm too high to move.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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