I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
