I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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