captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
My life is pants optional.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
