I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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