I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
being pregnant is like rehab
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
