Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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