Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
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He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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